TLV IC Inbox

[falkeditupagain]

[It seems someone has decided to change his voicemail following graduation. Hes trying so hard to sound professional, business like, but Hanna's usual enthusiasm bleeds through easily.]

You have reached the mailbox of Hanna Cross. If you don't have an appointment, my secretary will follow up with a return message shortly. [a short pause.] meaning me. I'll get back to you, don't worry.

And if this is an emergency what are you doing on the phone? Cardio is your friend. byyyye!

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[heyboss]

"My sweet boy," he mutters against the curls on his head. "Don't be sorry. I'm here right now. Warm and safe and real."

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna shakes his head, rubbing his face against his suit jacket as he tries to make out words that come stuttered and choked.

"B-but you died! I could have-" he could have been there, he was once again opening a door too late, "I tried to-" he has to catch his breath, taking in shuttering, deep pulls of air.

[heyboss]

"I know you did," he mutters softly, pulling him inside so that he can close the door. "It's alright, Hanna. It's alright."

He lets him panic, lets him have his moment, lets him feel whatever he's been holding back. He just holds him gently, patting his back.

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna hadn't stuck around after he'd woken up, he hadn't wanted to talk to John, but here he lets Sheehan pull him into the cabin, leaning against him and finally pulling a hand back from the death grip he has on the back of his suit jacket to rub at his face, trying to sniffle his nose dry and calm down.

It takes a bit, but being close, face still in Sheehan's chest, he slowly comes down.

"It isn't alright..." he mummbles softly, stubbornly as he rubs his face into the other man's chest, "But...you're okay."

[heyboss]

"I am," he mutters against him. "I'm right here. Safe and sound. Safer now, even, than before."

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna nods against him, hearing the words, trying to slot them into place in reality.

"I-" he swallows, sure that Sheehan will be mad at him, "I tried to keep you here. John stopped me." His tone indicates that he wasn't happy about that, still isn't.

[heyboss]

Sheehan sits down in a chair and takes Hanna's hand, squeezing it once. "I know that too," he mutters. "And I - I can't fault you for it, can I? This is a hard month for you."

[falkeditupagain]

He shrinks a little that he knew already, stares at the floor even as his fingers rub against his palm.

"Can't you?" He thinks so. Even if it wouldnt have worked, the attempt could have killed him, he hadn't been thinking with anything but his heart.

"Maybe when you came home with me I- I missed something... shit follows me, nothing stays." Nothing has ever stayed long enough, even now he still worries about it, but if perhaps he was blind to a curse of his own for this long, he could be blind to one that latched on to Sheehan.

"Maybe it's my fault..."

[heyboss]

That's exactly what Sheehan had been worried about and he squeezes his hand instead.

"The mind is extraordinarily good at finding patterns, Hanna. So much that it starts to see patterns and make correlations where none exist."

[falkeditupagain]

"Happen enough times and it's more than just coincidence," he mutters back, biting his lip to keep himself from starting the tears all over again.

It isnt like hes never felt like bad luck, not even the first time on board he's questioned it, but perhaps it is unrelated. "I just wish I'd gotten to you sooner... had some fucking excuse to whack that asshole with Atticus. I don't-" a frustrated huff, more frowning, fidgeting with the hand holding his.

"What am I supposed to do with this anger?" He hadn't known the first time, and he didn't know now either.

[heyboss]

He looks to their hands and then back to Hanna. "Let's talk about that anger, though. Because the anger is natural. It's normal. But anger is a mask for another emotion. Let's find out what's underneath that."

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna thinks he knows, but much like their conversations about emotions when he was in inmate it's difficult to put his finger directly on it.

He can recognize patterns, try to break cycles but some cling or circle back around like a bad ex.

"What am I even supposed to say? You don't do shit that invites violence, it was meaningless, I- I try to keep an eye out for you and Arthur when John's not around. But it happened anyways... that sucks. It makes me mad."

[heyboss]

"That sounds like fear, Hanna," he ventures very gently. "Fear that I will get hurt again. Fear that you can't protect the people you care about. Does that sound about right?"

[falkeditupagain]

He has to bite down the knee-jerk reaction of 'no it's not'.

He looks conflicted about it though, his mouth pulling into a tight, thin line. He has to sit with it a moment, pushing down more upset because he's right, but Hanna Falk Cross isn't scared of anything.

"I... don't like that feeling." It's easier to say than yes, you're right, "it takes me places I don't want to be." Like opening a door to a double murder he wasn't expecting.

[heyboss]

"I know," he says softly. "But fear is something we can work on. Fear is something that you can face. And fear is something you can do something with."

He squeezes his hand once more and then pulls him into a small hug again. "I'm taking more precautions, if that helps."

[falkeditupagain]

Does he want to work on it? Absolutely not. The list of things he was trying not to do is getting decently long, long enough that he's written them down so he doesnt forget.

Hanna leans into the hug, closes his eyes and breathes, his heart still beating too fast, but this helps.

"You shouldn't have to." He has people who love him, who can protect him with far more than he's capable of on his own. That was their job, not Sheehan's.

[heyboss]

"Of course I should! But I need more practice with my magic. Get these reflexes faster. I got too complacent," he says softly, pulling back to look at him.

The world is not kind. It isn't peaceful. Sheehan never expected it to be. He can be gentle, but he doesn't have to be a sitting duck.

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna still is having trouble looking at him straight. He isnt sure he agrees, because the more you know, the harder people try to hurt you.

He fidgets with the wooden ring on his right hand, trying to pull some extra comfort from outside the room, "do you know any healing magic?"

He's tried every which way to get them to work with his own brand of magic and yet nothing does. "Maybe having more options would help...so I don't panic and try to jerry rig a fucked up solution on the fly."

[heyboss]

"I do," he assures him. "All of my magic is - defensive in nature. I can neutralize spells, stop a person where they're at, teleport - ah...shield myself." He thinks a moment longer, looking at his hands. "The bear shape is from Florian, but I still consider it."

There are a few others, but Sheehan feels like his point is made. "Like I said - I got complacent."

[falkeditupagain]

"It happens..." He says softly, knows he's done that enough times and it's gotten him killed, though it was more disregard for his own safety, but same diff.

"I don't know any, healing spells that is. I tried to find some that work, back home? But...nothing ever did. Always felt like I was cursed or something, that I couldn't actually heal anyone who needed it when all around me was a need and I attract trouble like a moths to a fucking flame." He'd known enough people who got hurt while he was trying to help them that it hurt to think about.

"I want to change that."

[heyboss]

"Sometimes that isn't what you need to do," he points out gently. "And you don't attract trouble. It isn't something you consciously do. It isn't something that you can change," he adds.

[falkeditupagain]

"You say that, and yet its true! Everyone who knows me back home agrees with me!" Weird shit just always finds him, and sure he doesnt generally mind, but it makes it hard when he is trying to stay safe, be okay for other people.

"But okay, say I indulge you, what do you think I should do?"

[heyboss]

"Do?" he wonders, tilting his head. "What do you mean by do? Why is there something you need to do? What action would you want to take?"

[falkeditupagain]

"You said sometimes I shouldn't do what I think i should. So what does that mean?" He shoots back.

"Because theres always something youre supposed to be doing, isn't there? Ive been sitting with it, it feels terrible, so obviously thats not the right answer, and if teaching myself healing magic isnt the right answer either, then what is? I don't want to feel like this again, like- like nothing I do can change anything. So there has to be some way to fix that."

[heyboss]

"What do you mean - sitting with it? What have you been doing?" he wonders calmly, linking his fingers and sitting back, waiting on him. Listening. He wants to help him cope, to help him feel better.