TLV IC Inbox

[falkeditupagain]

[It seems someone has decided to change his voicemail following graduation. Hes trying so hard to sound professional, business like, but Hanna's usual enthusiasm bleeds through easily.]

You have reached the mailbox of Hanna Cross. If you don't have an appointment, my secretary will follow up with a return message shortly. [a short pause.] meaning me. I'll get back to you, don't worry.

And if this is an emergency what are you doing on the phone? Cardio is your friend. byyyye!

Comments

[heyboss]

"Do?" he wonders, tilting his head. "What do you mean by do? Why is there something you need to do? What action would you want to take?"

[falkeditupagain]

"You said sometimes I shouldn't do what I think i should. So what does that mean?" He shoots back.

"Because theres always something youre supposed to be doing, isn't there? Ive been sitting with it, it feels terrible, so obviously thats not the right answer, and if teaching myself healing magic isnt the right answer either, then what is? I don't want to feel like this again, like- like nothing I do can change anything. So there has to be some way to fix that."

[heyboss]

"What do you mean - sitting with it? What have you been doing?" he wonders calmly, linking his fingers and sitting back, waiting on him. Listening. He wants to help him cope, to help him feel better.

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna pauses, thinking about what in specifics that actually had meant. "Kinda just isolating myself so I'm not a bummer to be around, trying to tell myself it wasn't that bad cause it- I mean, neither of you actually died... so I probably should be more okay than I am."

He ticks each one off with a finger but pauses as he finishes that last one with a frown, "Or...is that like, gaslighting myself into thinking I over reacted?"

He has no idea.

[heyboss]

Sheehan's smile is warm. "I think that you are allowed to not be okay, Hanna," he tells him gently. "I think that you are allowed to be upset about this. But sometimes, unfortunately, there is no way to fix it."

And that, he knows, is a hard truth.

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna looks up at Sheehan, perhaps a little disappointed. He thinks he probably could have gotten to that conclusion, but isn't sure how long it would have taken him. No solution to him generally means giving up and he doesnt like doing that either.

"You know, the last time this happened I was super fucking angry about it, for a long time. Blew up all the bridges I had left before I met the Doc a few years later." He is trying his best not to feel that way, and its worked okay, but he's still mad at John, mad at the Eleven.

"I- I want to hurt The Eleven, for hurting you and Arthur, and I feel bad about it. Like, John sure. We're gonna be fine after I cool off on it, but the new guy? I'd hesitate, if he needed help." And he hates that he would.

"Can I at least fix that?"

[heyboss]

Sheehan tilts his head. "It sounds like you don't want it to be that way. No one expects you to help someone who hurt you. You are a person, Hanna. You are not a saint. You are not a martyr. You are a man."

He puts a hand on Hanna's shoulder. "I would put my life on the line to save almost anyone. But Collins? I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire...at least for five seconds. You are not required to care about everyone the same way, son. That's exhausting and unrealistic. And it does not make you a bad person."

[falkeditupagain]

"Thats not true." He pushes against that, because its what he's been doing for almost a year.

"The Cat King locked me in a room, waited outside so he could hear me dying while I tried bargaining with him to let me out. And then we were paired less than a month later." He was expected to care for his inmate, to keep him safe and to keep him from harming other people.

He thinks he's done a good job of it, but he'd had to swallow down a lot to do it, knew Vincent hadn't been happy with the arrangement. But he did it because it was expected of him and he didn't want to disappoint himself or anyone else around him that might question his right to be a warden in the first place.

"And it is exhausting, but why can't I just suck it up this time? Do it again? It- it shouldn't be this hard when I've done it before."

[heyboss]

"That's different. You have a specific duty to the Cat King. One that was rather unfairly thrust on you and then you had to adapt. But it doesn't have to be your natural inclination. I'm not - " He pauses. "I'm not telling you to let him get hurt. To let him suffer. I'm trying to tell you that the inclination to hesitate does not make you a bad person. There is nothing to fix."

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna's hand comes up to the one on his shoulder, holding it and rubbing the back of Sheehan's hand with his thumb. Its hard to look him in the eye, because he's still not sure he agrees, but... it does help, hearing it.

"Are you sure?" He bites his lip, finally glancing up at Sheehan, "like, really sure?"

[heyboss]

"Very sure. I have been told that my morality and the rigidity I hold is a fault," he explains softly. "So I'm using that to help you now."

[falkeditupagain]

Hanna's smile is fragile, but he nods, "I'll try and believe it then. Might take me a few tries though...but I will try."

[heyboss]

"It helps to repeat it to yourself," he says. "Affirmations are powerful."