falkeditupagain | TLV IC Inbox

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[It seems someone has decided to change his voicemail following graduation. Hes trying so hard to sound professional, business like, but Hanna's usual enthusiasm bleeds through easily.]

You have reached the mailbox of Hanna Cross. If you don't have an appointment, my secretary will follow up with a return message shortly. [a short pause.] meaning me. I'll get back to you, don't worry.

And if this is an emergency what are you doing on the phone? Cardio is your friend. byyyye!

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Hanna thinks he knows, but much like their conversations about emotions when he was in inmate it's difficult to put his finger directly on it.

He can recognize patterns, try to break cycles but some cling or circle back around like a bad ex.

"What am I even supposed to say? You don't do shit that invites violence, it was meaningless, I- I try to keep an eye out for you and Arthur when John's not around. But it happened anyways... that sucks. It makes me mad."

"That sounds like fear, Hanna," he ventures very gently. "Fear that I will get hurt again. Fear that you can't protect the people you care about. Does that sound about right?"

He has to bite down the knee-jerk reaction of 'no it's not'.

He looks conflicted about it though, his mouth pulling into a tight, thin line. He has to sit with it a moment, pushing down more upset because he's right, but Hanna Falk Cross isn't scared of anything.

"I... don't like that feeling." It's easier to say than yes, you're right, "it takes me places I don't want to be." Like opening a door to a double murder he wasn't expecting.

"I know," he says softly. "But fear is something we can work on. Fear is something that you can face. And fear is something you can do something with."

He squeezes his hand once more and then pulls him into a small hug again. "I'm taking more precautions, if that helps."

Does he want to work on it? Absolutely not. The list of things he was trying not to do is getting decently long, long enough that he's written them down so he doesnt forget.

Hanna leans into the hug, closes his eyes and breathes, his heart still beating too fast, but this helps.

"You shouldn't have to." He has people who love him, who can protect him with far more than he's capable of on his own. That was their job, not Sheehan's.

"Of course I should! But I need more practice with my magic. Get these reflexes faster. I got too complacent," he says softly, pulling back to look at him.

The world is not kind. It isn't peaceful. Sheehan never expected it to be. He can be gentle, but he doesn't have to be a sitting duck.

Hanna still is having trouble looking at him straight. He isnt sure he agrees, because the more you know, the harder people try to hurt you.

He fidgets with the wooden ring on his right hand, trying to pull some extra comfort from outside the room, "do you know any healing magic?"

He's tried every which way to get them to work with his own brand of magic and yet nothing does. "Maybe having more options would help...so I don't panic and try to jerry rig a fucked up solution on the fly."

"I do," he assures him. "All of my magic is - defensive in nature. I can neutralize spells, stop a person where they're at, teleport - ah...shield myself." He thinks a moment longer, looking at his hands. "The bear shape is from Florian, but I still consider it."

There are a few others, but Sheehan feels like his point is made. "Like I said - I got complacent."

Edited 2025-12-30 14:39 (UTC)

"It happens..." He says softly, knows he's done that enough times and it's gotten him killed, though it was more disregard for his own safety, but same diff.

"I don't know any, healing spells that is. I tried to find some that work, back home? But...nothing ever did. Always felt like I was cursed or something, that I couldn't actually heal anyone who needed it when all around me was a need and I attract trouble like a moths to a fucking flame." He'd known enough people who got hurt while he was trying to help them that it hurt to think about.

"I want to change that."

"Sometimes that isn't what you need to do," he points out gently. "And you don't attract trouble. It isn't something you consciously do. It isn't something that you can change," he adds.

"You say that, and yet its true! Everyone who knows me back home agrees with me!" Weird shit just always finds him, and sure he doesnt generally mind, but it makes it hard when he is trying to stay safe, be okay for other people.

"But okay, say I indulge you, what do you think I should do?"

"Do?" he wonders, tilting his head. "What do you mean by do? Why is there something you need to do? What action would you want to take?"

"You said sometimes I shouldn't do what I think i should. So what does that mean?" He shoots back.

"Because theres always something youre supposed to be doing, isn't there? Ive been sitting with it, it feels terrible, so obviously thats not the right answer, and if teaching myself healing magic isnt the right answer either, then what is? I don't want to feel like this again, like- like nothing I do can change anything. So there has to be some way to fix that."

"What do you mean - sitting with it? What have you been doing?" he wonders calmly, linking his fingers and sitting back, waiting on him. Listening. He wants to help him cope, to help him feel better.

Hanna pauses, thinking about what in specifics that actually had meant. "Kinda just isolating myself so I'm not a bummer to be around, trying to tell myself it wasn't that bad cause it- I mean, neither of you actually died... so I probably should be more okay than I am."

He ticks each one off with a finger but pauses as he finishes that last one with a frown, "Or...is that like, gaslighting myself into thinking I over reacted?"

He has no idea.

Sheehan's smile is warm. "I think that you are allowed to not be okay, Hanna," he tells him gently. "I think that you are allowed to be upset about this. But sometimes, unfortunately, there is no way to fix it."

And that, he knows, is a hard truth.

Hanna looks up at Sheehan, perhaps a little disappointed. He thinks he probably could have gotten to that conclusion, but isn't sure how long it would have taken him. No solution to him generally means giving up and he doesnt like doing that either.

"You know, the last time this happened I was super fucking angry about it, for a long time. Blew up all the bridges I had left before I met the Doc a few years later." He is trying his best not to feel that way, and its worked okay, but he's still mad at John, mad at the Eleven.

"I- I want to hurt The Eleven, for hurting you and Arthur, and I feel bad about it. Like, John sure. We're gonna be fine after I cool off on it, but the new guy? I'd hesitate, if he needed help." And he hates that he would.

"Can I at least fix that?"

Sheehan tilts his head. "It sounds like you don't want it to be that way. No one expects you to help someone who hurt you. You are a person, Hanna. You are not a saint. You are not a martyr. You are a man."

He puts a hand on Hanna's shoulder. "I would put my life on the line to save almost anyone. But Collins? I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire...at least for five seconds. You are not required to care about everyone the same way, son. That's exhausting and unrealistic. And it does not make you a bad person."

"Thats not true." He pushes against that, because its what he's been doing for almost a year.

"The Cat King locked me in a room, waited outside so he could hear me dying while I tried bargaining with him to let me out. And then we were paired less than a month later." He was expected to care for his inmate, to keep him safe and to keep him from harming other people.

He thinks he's done a good job of it, but he'd had to swallow down a lot to do it, knew Vincent hadn't been happy with the arrangement. But he did it because it was expected of him and he didn't want to disappoint himself or anyone else around him that might question his right to be a warden in the first place.

"And it is exhausting, but why can't I just suck it up this time? Do it again? It- it shouldn't be this hard when I've done it before."

"That's different. You have a specific duty to the Cat King. One that was rather unfairly thrust on you and then you had to adapt. But it doesn't have to be your natural inclination. I'm not - " He pauses. "I'm not telling you to let him get hurt. To let him suffer. I'm trying to tell you that the inclination to hesitate does not make you a bad person. There is nothing to fix."

Hanna's hand comes up to the one on his shoulder, holding it and rubbing the back of Sheehan's hand with his thumb. Its hard to look him in the eye, because he's still not sure he agrees, but... it does help, hearing it.

"Are you sure?" He bites his lip, finally glancing up at Sheehan, "like, really sure?"

"Very sure. I have been told that my morality and the rigidity I hold is a fault," he explains softly. "So I'm using that to help you now."

Hanna's smile is fragile, but he nods, "I'll try and believe it then. Might take me a few tries though...but I will try."

"It helps to repeat it to yourself," he says. "Affirmations are powerful."

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