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Nothing ever will.

[ He says that with his own experience in mind. ]

When you care? Nothing you do, nothing you suffer, nothing anyone does to you will make you feel better about the fact that you did something and it hurt a bunch of people who'd never hurt you, and that that pain could have been avoided if you hadn't fucked up.

You have to live with that. You have to look at your friends and people who care about you, people you love and people who help you and know that you hurt them and that nothing you do will change that fact. Even if you help them heal. Even if you save them in the future.

That's what you pay.

[Hanna swallows hard, knows he's right. It had been why he couldn't just sweep this under the rug, why when he looked at this and some of his smaller past mistakes, couldn't just act the same way. He'd dragged Conrad around, never even apologized properly too him, ignored him so he'd have to stick around. That hadn't been right, but it was how he could keep him around to make up for it.

This had been too many people, too much cost. He couldn't just continue to lie about it or ignore it and let it go by. He knew what they went through, he'd lived it right next to them, and it fucking sucked.

And that's what he'd been too stubborn to admit he couldn't save them from on his own. Fucking selfish.

He'd been very good about keeping most of his own emotional outbursts to himself, kind of pathetic and rude to expect someone you hurt to just sit there and watch you cry about it, but the blunt honesty breaks that down so easily. His arm folding down, face pressed into his elbow as he tries to keep his breathing steady and fails miserably. Excuse him John, he's been avoiding this part specifically and it's hard to ignore it now. Give him a few minutes.]

Edited 2024-09-12 18:10 (UTC)

[ John would like to envelope Hanna in a hug and just hold him for a bit but they haven't gotten to the portion of friendship that entails 'how do you handle hugs in times of stress' and he's well aware of how far south that can go. That's why in between one sniffle and the next, Hanna will see the blurry shape of John shift down into something all blond hair and big gold eyes before he feels a wet dog nose at his hand and a loving lean from a solid doggy body. ]

I thought this might be easier for you.

[ And the message comes with a wave of warmth and fondness. Hanna cares and big emotions are so hard, so much. He wants to be there for him. He wants to show him and let him feel that even though that weight is on his heart, there are other things too. That fuck up isn't all he is. He can be better.

And he has help.]

[Hanna jumps when he feels the wet nose at his hand, but when he lifts his head he isn't scared, just a little snotty and surprised.

Between sniffs, he manages a laugh and slips down off his stool to just hold John, fluffy warm body and all that message entails. He isn't sure if John can hear him, never asked how that works, but there is the quietest whisper repeating in his head of thank you that he can't bring himself to say outloud.

John is absolutely right, big emotions are hard.]

[ It's all about intent so... yeah, he can hear it. And the dog will lightly nuzzle back, just so Hanna knows he's there and he actively wants to comfort Hanna.

And he's content to do that until Hanna's ready. He came to check in on Hanna. If this is what he needs, he's glad he can give it. ]

[It takes a few minutes for Hanna to get most of it out. He doesn't get hugs often, maybe one or two from Aerith, and the last he can remember at home is when he'd hugged Conrad after he'd revived following a punch to the face.

He sets back on his heels, pushing his glasses up to rub his sweater sleeve over his face, pretty sure he doesn't have kleenex in his cabin but maybe should think about getting some.]

Sorry if I just made a mess on your fur, hopefully that goes away when you shift...

[Attempting a smile despite the watery eyes he rubs at his head, ruffling those ears of his, that soft dopey face of a good boy.]

You make a good dog, John. Very cute.

[ You know what is an amazing spell, Hanna? One that John has loved since he read it?

Prestidigitation. Specifically, the way you can use it to clean up to a cubic foot of mess. And that it's a cantrip, effectively meaning you can cast it very quickly and very easily in succession.

So while John has an aversion to snot, he absolutely does, he can also just cast that spell once on himself and once on Hanna so that he doesn't have to deal with it. Boo yah.

And once that's done, he's going to enjoy getting his ears ruffled and lean into the touch. ]

I like being a dog or a cat. And I like getting my ears scritched or my fur ruffled. Feel free to do that any time.

[He hadn't been expecting his face and sleeves to be cleaned in a matter of moments, blinking when his own nose is no longer wet. That was a strange feeling.]

That's a handy spell...makes you wonder where it all goes?

[He doesn't spend too much time on the thought of some 'gross garbage dimension' and instead let's himself sit on the floor, the rug he'd used to hide the magic sigil on the floor much more plush than the hardwood and gets to giving him scratches.]

What's it like, being a dog anyways?

[ John is making a happy rumbly dog noise at getting his ears scritched and Hanna might get his hand licked. ]

I wouldn't know. But being in the form of a dog is usually nice. People scritch your ears or pet your head or curl up with you. I enjoy it.

[ Dog is laying down against Hanna's leg, tail wagging and a happy pant. ]

[The easy weight of him in this form gets him to smile, appreciating the way shapeshifters just did their thing. It was beyond cool, especially since he was sure John in his human shape could easily squish him pretty good if he sat on him like that.]

You just like company, makes sense. And there's less of that awkward human interaction when you're like this, huh?

[Which gets him thinking about how it was pretty rude of him, planning on avoiding him when he was just wanting to make sure he was fine.]

I'm sorry I made you worry about me...I wasn't really thinking about how that'd make you feel, avoiding you. There are some people it's better to let them cool off, but...I guess asking first what you wanted would have been the less shit thing to do.

Edited 2024-09-12 20:15 (UTC)

[ The doggy head will nuzzle up against him as John's voice rumbles softly. ]

There are. I'm not offended. And you can always check if you're worried. I'll tell you if I'm pissed.

[ He can be passive aggressive but not in a 'what's going on' way. More like a pissy eight year old way. Oh, you know. There is NO subtlety. ]

You shouldn't worry too much about it. You had a lot on your plate. It's okay to lean out. Maggie taught me about that. It helped when I tried not to be a [ the tiniest pause as another word is substituted ] burden on people when there's a big situation that has a lot of people fucked up. Do you know about it?

Edited 2024-09-12 20:27 (UTC)

Uh, no not really. But I'm open to learning?

[He is rather aware that Maggie is connected to Sweeney and Laura and had been a little unsure how any of that was going. Sweeney was out, their last conversation hadn't ended well, but he wasn't really thinking how he normally would. God...and another apology probably wouldn't go over any more smoothly than the previous one. Royally screwed that up even after he'd given him a second try.]

[ The pupper will nudge his hand, both to make sure he doesn't start into a spiral and because pettings shouldn't stop. ]

When things happen, there's usually an epicenter: people who are affected more and people who are farther from what happened and affected less. If you're bad at letting people help you or support you, and you feel like shit accepting it even when people offer because you don't want them to care for you instead of themselves, you can lean out on people who are less affected and a lot of the time it makes them feel better because it gives them a way to change things for the better. They're less affected so they can support you and they don't feel helpless watching you suffer when they care about you.

And you can do the same for them when something fucks with them.

[Absently Hanna will restart said pets, gently rubbing at his soft ears while John explains to him what he means. It sure is a concept, one that he doesn't think he could have even considered back home, and yet...

He huffs a soft laugh, weird to think that it was entirely possible here.]

That makes a lot of sense... I had quite a few friends show up, ask me how I was, but I didn't really want to talk about it, a lot of them died too, or were caught in the middle. But it hurt some of them, that I obviously was just trying to deal with it by myself...

[It's a habit that was formed through necessity, and he's hesitant to shake it. If he ever got back home, what would change? He had a small group of maybe friends, people around him that tagged along out of necessity or worry. Did he really want to throw away survival techniques because he was here now, unlearn things just to have to relearn them all over again? He isn't so sure.]

Is there a trick to knowing what you're actually supposed to be learning here? I feel like some things that I can recognize and potentially change? I don't want to get rid of. Feels like...not planning for the future. Which, I'm told I should work on contingencies but I dunno if that's right either.

[He huffs a sigh, rubs at Johns ears a little more before just flopping backwards onto the rug, staring at the cracking plaster on the ceiling.]

[ John will do, as dogs often do, a little shimmy squirm up to nuzzle against Hanna's shoulder as he lays next to him on the carpet. ]

Most people say that every journey is different and that's true. But I've noticed some things that seem to be the same among people who care a lot.

[ He'll twist his head to nuzzle a little, because he knows even if he keeps his voice gentle, Hanna might not like what he has to say. ]

Think about the things you're keeping: do they actually serve you and make your life better, or are you just afraid of what will happen if you don't keep them? How many things are you doing not because you want to, but because something in you says that you have to or you 'should' or 'that's just how it is'?

Ask yourself who's benefiting from you doing that... because it might be nobody. It might be you trying to 'pay' for things that you can never entirely pay for. Or even things you shouldn't have to pay for.

Think about how much you love and care for people: are you making sure to take care of yourself like someone loves you that much? If not, that might be something that needs to change. And when you come upon things that feel like it's a different way to live your life, a new idea, but it still feels like you? Try it out. I think it's less about planning for the future and more about feeling all the way to your toes that you can make one you like living in just because.

Edited 2024-09-12 22:24 (UTC)

[Laying on the floor, being gently lectured by a God in the form of a dog, Hanna feels like this is the closest thing he'll ever get to a religious experience. Maybe he should tell Vincent, confess to the father. It's a stupid joke that he keeps to himself as he listens, half distracted himself because each little point John makes, he knows the answer to.

No, yes, quite a few, somebody? Who even knew any more.

Definitely not. Might as well...

He shifts his arm, makes room for John to rest his sweet head on his shoulder and pets at his shoulders, not really long enough to reach much else with his arm bent like that.]

Well that's a lot more than I expected. I told Sheehan I was putting 'project graduate' on hold until I got a permanent assignment cause I didn't want to cheat someone out of their deal, I'd be an easy case.

He's been trying to talk to me about this shit too but...I guess I just don't like talking about myself? I never have, but...If it's gotta be all that and more?

Maybe I should get started. But- It'd be easier, if I wasn't doing it just for myself.

Edited 2024-09-12 22:55 (UTC)

That's fair.

[ He squirms a little closer to make it easier to pet and he'll shift to try and save his arm and it's circulation. ]

I don't know how much of that will help you, but I didn't want to just give you a bullshit answer. This shit is hard and confusing. Even realizing it is just the beginning. And graduating won't be the end.

But I bet Sheehan can help you. Sheehan helps me all the time.

[ John is his cat. ]

[Hanna takes in a deep breath and sighs heavily. Running his fingers through his fluff.]

I'm sure he could. I keep bullshitting him and he knows it. I like him, I think he's fun, kind of a brat, but sometimes smart, educated people like that? They make me nervous.

You get used to keeping shit to yourself, so every little thing just feels like a secret and when there isn't anyone around to ask, when someone does it feels too invasive. I can't help but think he just wants something from me and when I give it to him, he'll lose interest. Like the puzzle is finished, time to move on.

It's probably irrational, I don't think he's like that, but it's still there even if I'm sure that's wrong.

[ The doggo muzzle is going to squirm up and nuzzle against his cheek. ]

If he wanted a puzzle, he'd go find one in a book. But don't worry about rushing. He's patient. He'll wait for you, however long you need to feel okay.

[The snuffling at his face gets him to laugh, letting his nose press to John's without thinking too much about it in a cute little boop.]

He's going to watch Jaws with me. I told him I couldn't swim cause of my galeophobia, but He's just humoring me I'm sure...I can tell he's patient. Just, hope he doesn't get fed up that I'm just feeding him obvious crap. It kind of just comes out that way sometimes, you know?

[ He will be booped back! Hanna might feel the warm affection that comes with it as well in whatever magical senses he has. ]

I don't know what galeophobia is [ and he sounds out the word carefully to make sure he gets it right ] but he understands. He does that too sometimes.

You should just try and have a good time. Everything else will happen when it does.

[Dog John is giving him some much needed seratonin, fluffing his ears and letting his head fall back down to the carpet.]

It's a fear of sharks. It's just some stupid thing I said, like... when I tell people I'm a witch and I'll melt if I get wet. [He had a hunch that Sheehan might. He kind of seemed to remind him of himself in ways the way he tried to gently poke and prod, learn slow. Perhaps that's what it was, he felt like he was being pestered into honesty by himself, just smarter and more tactful?]

I'm sure I will. He's a nice enough dude, kind of gives me dad vibes like you do.

[Though that might just be him reaching, it's just those positive male role model figures had been pretty absent for a while and it's both refreshing and weird to have a few all of a sudden cropping up.]

...that would be very inconvenient for showering.

[ John's pretty content to just stay here and chat with him. Scritching is nice. And it's obvious Hanna is needed the unwind time.]

'Dad vibes', huh? You're the, hmm... *second* person to say that, I think. The first was my first inmate.

Yeah... it is kind of a pain in the ass to maintain that one. But usually no one's in the showers at three in the morning, so. It kind of works out?

[Floor time, dog time and hang outs all in one? He's much more relaxed than he'd been in two weeks since everything started. It is much needed.]

Yeah? Are they still kicking around?

She was sent home. Her name was Natalie.

[ His tail has always been wagging just a little. It flutters a little now at the mention of her. ]

I adopted her before she went home. I hope to visit her sometime. Her girlfriend, Misty, is still here, though.

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