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Hanna slowly blinks at him, the offer of water, and he's sure this isn't going to be fun.

"Did...did you die? Jesus fucking Christ." Moving his sick bowl to the side, Hanna shifts, tiredly throwing one leg after the other over the side of the bed so he can face him, "I really shouldn't put this conversation off but...are you going to be okay?"

Taking stock of the room, he can see the scattered flowers around, the scrubbing that Vincent did to get most of the circle off the floor, but traces of it are still there, rug still rolled up. God. This is going to fucking suck.

Nico fumbles a little getting out the bottle of water, but he holds it up for Hanna to take. It's important to stay hydrated!

"Yeah. I'll be okay." As okay as he ever is, anyway. Honestly, it's almost nice to have something else to focus on rather than just lying there with the echoes of old memories. Focus always helps. Besides, he has a good idea of what this conversation might cover, and it definitely shouldn't wait.

"How are you?"

He would have been even better if none of this had fucking happened. Leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his head falls in his hands as he shrugs, feels like garbage in a million and one ways.

"Terrible. And guilty as shit." He sighs, "Honestly surprised I didn't crack before, but then people started dying, and I had to fix it even more than before, and if I said anything, I might have died wrong and then it might have gotten worse."

Edited 2024-08-25 21:32 (UTC)

He nods, not regretting the movement as much as he could.

"It's something from Vincent's world?"

"Kind of, sort of." He doesn't want to move, and is afraid that if he lays on his back he's going to drown in his own bile or something if he falls asleep, but sitting is not fun right now, so he shifts again, laying on his side with his bowl within reach.

"I found this book and kind of know they were connected, he's a buddy of mine, you know?" It's not entirely the truth, but he hadn't lied when he said he wasn't going to incriminate Vincent. All he'd done is give him access to his library. If he hadn't been an idiot, none of this would have happened.

Nico doesn't comment on that. Perhaps it's completely true. He doubts it, but that doesn't mean Vincent had any idea that... any of what was going to happen would.

"He's asked if he can help look out for you. While you're recovering. If you're okay with that."

"Oh...that's nice of him." Much nicer than he thinks he deserves given what happened, but he nods, "Sure. Maybe I can force him to watch some movies with me. You too if you want. But uh...that isn't really the important part."

He's quiet for a moment, eyes shutting as he tries very hard to pick his words carefully. Either that or he's fighting another wave of nausea.

"I don't want to just sweep this shit under the rug, so to speak." Seeing as he's been literally hiding it under a rug all month, "But I figured, since you might get shit for this, we should talk about it, before I say anything. People got hurt, or they got fucked over, or died, and no matter what I say about what I meant or didn't mean to do, someone's going to get pissed off." He reaches out and finally takes that water Nico was offering him earlier and swishes his mouth out before taking a few more sips before continuing, "And I'm not saying this because I'm asking for protection, I just don't want shit falling down on you because no one, and I seriously mean no one asked me what the hell I'd been working on for the past month at the Circ desk. Which really isn't just your fault."

It's not, but now that he has an answer to the unimportant question they can focus on the important ones.

Nico listens as he talks, still apart from the flicker of his eyes. "I wouldn't add the last part. If you want to avoid questions about how much you meant to do this." Yes, he does feel responsible for Hanna's actions. He also thinks that working on an unknown spell or ritual to the point where it actually took effect was a stupid thing to do. On many levels. Not that he thinks what someone 'meant' carries as much weight as what they did, anyway. But he's not here to judge Hanna, so he's fully in 'practical' mode.

"You should be protected. A lot of people got hurt because of something you were involved in. Hurting you in turn won't change the past or make the future better. I think people deserve to know what happened. Besides, it'll come out anyway, and if you say something it could stop other types of trouble."

"Yeah, okay. Fair." He doesn't really wany anyone to think he did this on purpose so maybe he can figure out how to say something that will make it unquestionable.

"Okay, sure. Fine, I get protection I don't fucking deserve, but not everyone is going to see it as 'well he fucked up, let's move on'. I don't want to make excuses, I want to be accountable, and apologize, but I am not some kind of public speaker. I ramble like shit and if I workshop it too much, who's going to believe me anyways? It's a shit show."

"I think every deserves protection. Not many get it." If he thinks that's wrong, he has to believe that it's always wrong. It's important to draw lines.

He pauses to drink some water. "Whatever you say some won't believe it. If you workshop it... people will know you think it was important enough to try. That matters." He thinks so, anyway. Especially as he believes that Hanna acted without thinking.

He could argue that he should be excluded for some unexplainable reason but he doesn't have the energy to or want to explain his brand of self-esteem and self-sacrificing issues.

And while he did think about it quite a lot because that was a lot of translating, he definitely didn't think about what might happen if it worked, and that's the point. "Okay. So I will." He's quiet for a minute before he looks over at Nico again, "so are you like, super mad or just not feeling well enough to yell, because the energy in the room is so lukewarm and that wasn't what I was expecting at all."

Nico blinks at him. "I'm not mad." And it's not just because it takes a lot for Nico to be angry at other people. He directs that energy at himself, when he has any energy. "I wish you hadn't decide to do that," he did automatically clock the traces of the circle, "But I don't think you wanted to hurt people on purpose."

Accidentally being partly responsible for a lot of people getting hurt isn't great! But it would be different if he thought Hanna took some pleasure from everything that had happened, when he clearly doesn't.

He ventures forward, curious, "so...I'm a little confused. You're not mad, because it's an accident, and because I am legitimately sorry about it."

He feels like he's getting away with something he really shouldn't be, and it doesn't make him feel happy about it at all. "Am I not going to get in trouble for this?"

He shrugs. Offering a more detailed explanation of why he's not mad would involve a discussion of his issues that Hanna hasn't signed up for. Nico hasn't signed up for it, either. Hanna's close enough.

"What would that look like?"

"I don't fucking know, Im not-" he winces as that chest pain comes back and waits for it to pass before continuing, "I'm not a warden. Make me write lines or something? I don't think that would do shit but- I feel like I learned my lesson but who else is going to believe that if nothing happens to me?"

"You have to live knowing you played a part in other people... getting hurt. If writing lines cleared that up, I think you'd have gotten in a lot less trouble."

He takes a moment to steady himself, and try to straighten out his jumbled words.

"As for what other people think... writing lines seems more, uh, dismissive." He knows it's just an example, but it's a useful one for his point. "The only way to show you've learned a lesson is to... show it. It would be nice if it was... easier."

Hanna already lives with that every day. It's something that keeps happening despite his best efforts, and he isn't sure what he can do to keep it from happening over and over again in all the ways it has.

"Okay, so unfortunately dying to fix my whoopsie is probably not enough. And you're smarter than me, so what ever you want, you got it. Not like I am in any position to veto, but. You know what I mean."

"It depends on what you want your apology to do..." He's watched a lot of propaganda videos, but that's besides the point.

"You should probably say something soon. If you want to stop theorizing." It's not going to help with people being pissed off when it's so close to their most recent traumas, but that's another part that's always going to be true. "What do you want to say?" He feels like he should help him workshop it. Besides, if people haven't caught him in a conspiratorial mood, he's rarely rambling. It might serve as a balance.

"I don't think I should have an agenda other than 'I fucked up, it was an accident, I'm sorry.'" Really Nico, he's not running for president.

"And I was planning on it as soon as I could really. I don't want anyone finding out I did this before I have a chance to say something. That'd make it worse..." He'd already waited a week, though not owning up to it during was something he'd defend seeing as his own death was vital to fixing it.

"But the gist is like, 1. Apologize first, because that's Important, and 2. Explain maybe a little bit about how magic works in my world, that...most of time, when I find a spell like this, I spend the time figuring it out and it doesn't even work. And when it does, it's not summoning hell or what ever."

"There's always an agenda. It's just conscious or unconscious."

He considers taking out a protein bar the but even the idea of trying to eat almost makes him sick. "I'd just apologize. You can say that you messed up, and didn't have any idea that this would happen. You can explain more if someone asks, but going into how magic works on your world... it could be easy to get lost. And people might take it as an excuse." He thinks a moment. "Maybe... you were trying to figure out a spell, but you're not used to them working. When you're talking to everyone, it's better to keep stuff to the point."

Hanna frowns, patting his pocket where his marker had been and leans over to grab a sheet of paper from the chair next to his bed working as a side table, "okay. Apologize, acknowledge I fucked up, and that it was an accident that's outcome was not anything I expected." He paused, staring at it. "What format should I do this? Like it's going to be obvious I died, pretty sure. I look and sound like garbage."

"Video. People will be able to see that there have been consequences." If people want to see some sort of physical punishment... this might serve as proof to some of them that it doesn't actually help.

"And if they ask how I died, should I tell them I did it to stop this shit? I feel like that's taking credit for fixing my own problem, you know?"

"You did die to stop it, right?"

He nods slowly, pretty sure he just said that, but clarifying anyways, "of course. Because it was necessary. Magic like that tends to have a cost. Though I didn't exactly realize what kind of shit I'd actually messed with until after I cast it."

He almost adds the referential material apparently is in another book, but he doesn't really want to explain how he knew that, even if it was found put retrospectively.

Re: CW: vom

oddswerebad - 2024-08-26 00:51 (UTC) - Expand