falkeditupagain | IC contact post/voice mail

Hey.

[she tries to keep her voice neutral-- it wouldn't really be fair to start this off sounding too angry, or hurt, or defeated]

[even if she's feeling all those things in spades]

Two questions. You can pick the order you answer them in.

Number one: are you doing okay? And number two: what the hell was that?

[He was expecting both of them. He knew it was coming, really knew and yet he still didn't know how to answer her.]

I'm alright...banged up, sure, but most of its in my head...I feel fucking terrible.

[He hits his knees gently with his fists and glances away from her, trying to think, something honest that he actually believes. But how to put it in words?] It was a jack ass thing to do, I understand that...but I wanted to do it by myself and there is no 'on your own' when you've told someone you're doing it. You didn't worry until I got home, because you didn't know, and when I did, I could tell you I was okay. And there was no fear of either you or Lea or anyone else trying to stop me...after all I've done, I just...this one thing I had to do. And I stick by that.

I needed to do it like that, even if I felt truly awful about doing it that way...But I was so sure I'd be fine. And I am...But I guess I have to weigh that with breaking your trust, and I'm not sure any sort of self fulfillment is worth that...

That's bullshit, Hanna. Total bullshit.

[she takes a deep breath, balling her hands]

I'm your moirail. I'm the person you're supposed to come to when you have a big decision to make, or a big thing you want to do. Yeah, you're not on your own. That's the fucking point. But not being alone isn't supposed to make you weaker or less independent, it's supposed to make you stronger. I could have helped you figure out what you wanted to do, and why, and you could have used me to weigh your options. If you had just trusted me-- trusted us-- enough to do that, maybe you wouldn't feel so fucking terrible now. You would have been more independent and sure of yourself, because you'd know for sure that whatever choice you made would be the right one.

If you had talked to me, I would have said that you were in a really, really weird situation and there was probably no right answer. You could have given in and apologized to Pitch, which might have made you feel and maybe even look like a total wuss. You could have ignored him and kept being tortured, which would have sucked, but it would have give you the high ground that a lot of humans care a lot about. And you could have fought and killed him, like you did, to show your power and to show that you're not someone people can just mess with. People are pissed at you, and some might even hate you, but I would have said that you'd have to decide which is more important-- having some people hate you, or letting Pitch have it. There probably wasn't a real right answer! Humans would say to leave it alone and trolls would have told you to kill him a long time ago, but this is a weird pocket dimension with tons of other species and situations and values. If you decided that getting him was more important, then you'd have done that. And if you decided that not being hated was more important, then I would have done my job and made sure you didn't do something you'd end up regretting. Either way, I would have supported you.

... Anyway. That's what I would have said. I really, really wish you had given me a chance to.

[she stands up, going over to the window and looking out]

So if you stand by what you did, then we were wrong about things going really good these days. Things aren't going good. Things are going really, really bad, like almost broken bad.

We'd talked about it before...just...not when I was going to actually do it. [And the excuse is week, he knows that. He knows that, but the way he's talking makes him feel like he has to at least try to justify it, and he takes in a sharp breath because he words are cutting like knives, but he can't change what he did.

He can't change that people hate him for what he's done, that he actually went through with murdering him, and it is murder. He should be given time for this, and there is nothing else he can say. He shouldn't be sitting here, talking about it, but instead being judged for it, and he can't say he had good reason, because you never have a good enough reason to take a life.

Sure part of it was in self defense, but he had set a trap, and it had worked. There was no defense there once he had captured Pitch. It was only offense. And it was truly cruel.]

I fucked up, okay? I fucked up. And I know I did, but I had this idea in my head that if I did this, then everyone would know that you don't have to fear anything...even fear itself. and this whole stupid metaphor with hope and shit, but all it equates to is murder, and I murdered someone, and I don't know what to do...

I don't. And...I'm sorry, Vriska. Fuck, I'm sorry...

And if you had just talked to me, we could have figured all this out before you even went, and you wouldn't be in this mess.

I know that, Vriska. Or at least I would have felt better about it if I had. I get that...

[He's starting to get frustrated, and he almost feels like she's trying to get him angry. But he doesn't want to give in. Instead he just stands up and stomps a few paces away, yelling at the lake and no one in particular.]

But what can I do about it now? Nothing. It's already happened. I'm dead in the water. I'm screwed. I'm fucked. So why are you still shoving that in my face?

Because I want to make sure you get it! Because I thought you got it before, but then you went and screwed yourself over and totally left me in the dust! You're an amazing guy and I love you more than anything, but you did something really, really stupid, to yourself and to me, and you need to have it thrown in your face but it wasn't okay! You yell at people when they deserve it-- and don't tell me you don't; you got in that big fight with Lea when he fought with Demyx at a party-- and you know what? Sometimes you deserve it, too!

... Look Hanna, I want to comfort you and make you feel better. For sure I'm going to take your side and help you out with any retaliation if you need it. But I'm not sure anymore if it's my place to do any more than that.

[He deflates some at that, pausing because okay, yeah, that's true. He can dish it out, but hell if he can take it. Because he's not used to being told what to do. He's not used to listening because he hasn't had any reason to for years. No one to look out for him really, and he should. But its still hard.]

Okay, okay. I...deserve it. I'm sorry. [For being defensive, for being kind of an ass. For getting angry. But...that last part gets him to turn around, looking rather shocked.] Vriska...come on. Don't be like that. Please? We're cool. I'll tell you next time. Communication is key. I got that. Just...come on. I'm sorry?

Hanna, I'm not saying that as a punishment or anything. I'm a bitch and a liar and a hypocrite and blah blah blah; I bet people could come up with more. But I wouldn't try to manipulate you with something like that.

But I can't just be your moirail when it's convenient. That's not how it works. If you want to have all the happy cuddly stuff, the comforting when bad stuff happens, and the helping me through my problems, but you also want to be able to shut me out and do stuff behind my back? We can't do this anymore. I used to do that with Kanaya and she ended up practically hating me for a while. Hate might not be a bad emotion to trolls, but that doesn't mean I'd just as soon hate everybody I love, and I really don't want to ever hate you.

I know you wouldn't. This is a thing I did and we need to talk about it...but I do share...it's just, I'm not used to talking about my problems. Or my every move. Or what i'm eating for lunch tomorrow. It's not second nature, and I can fuck up sometimes, but really...I want this. So don't take it away before we've figured out a good system, alright?

We're still working on it...so there is going to be bumps along the way, I know. This is just one of them right? A big huge, bump, but a bump regardless.

Hanna, you know this is a lot different from talking about your every move or about what you had for lunch tomorrow.

I guess it's about attitude. If it really is just a bump, than we can fix it! But I don't want to keep being shut out and not trusted with the important stuff, and I don't want you to end up resenting me because you tried to force yourself to fit a cultural ideal that doesn't work for you.

... But I want this, too. You know that, right? I want to make this work if we can, no matter how hard it is, but only if we can. If we can't, then it's just going to end up even shittier the longer we try.

Vriska, I don't think I've been shutting you out. It's just this once. And when you get upset about me not talking about things? I don't do it on purpose, you know that. I talk to you and Lea about stuff like this, just talking about it twice..? I don't think you do that either...usually. I'll try more often to do that, but sometimes its not even important things, and you want to know...

Not saying that it isn't your business to know everything about each other, but do you get where I'm coming from? And I want this to work to. I think it works pretty damn well most of the time, but then again, you know more about it than me. Maybe it isn't and I just don't know what I'm talking about...

When have I gotten pissed because you didn't tell me something that wasn't important?

Okay, so not recently. But you do do that...or when I do something with Lea.

Like when I was testing out my magic during that event, and I had done little stuff with you, but I brought him with me to test the bigger stuff?

No, I don't do that! If it's not important, it's not important for you to tell me if you don't want to. This has never been about me getting pissed because you didn't tell me what you had for breakfast, Hanna, and don't you fucking dare try to pretend it is.

But the times when you trust Lea with stuff more than me, yeah, I don't like that! I've told you before, I don't want to be the girl on the side. It's not about doing things with Lea, it's about only wanting around for the big stuff. "Oh, Vriska's great and I love her so much but when push comes to shove, Lea's my guy." That kind of thing. Look, I've told you before, if you're not feeling it? It ain't like that's your fault. I don't want you to only go to Lea with stuff, or to not go to anyone, but if the other option is you having to force yourself to talk to me when you don't really want to? That's not what moirallegiance is.

[she turns towards the door, but doesn't start walking yet]

You're a human. Humans don't do moirallegiance, and they don't do dating more than one person at once. So when you look at it like that, I'm asking you to do two big things that don't come naturally to you. Not very fair to you, right? And the results aren't fair to me, either.

[now she starts walking]

I just don't think you're built for this. And trying to make yourself do it just confuses and frustrates you, and makes me feel like shit because I know it's forced. If you ever think you can do it without forcing yourself, come talk to me.

W-wait! Vriska, come on! [And wow. Okay, so he isn't sure what to say, but when she goes to leave nothing comes out. He can't think of it. Not with all the other shit he is dealing with and he just sits down again, head in his hands.]

Fuck. Fuck.

[her foot stutters in its next step, and she slows, then stops right next to the door]

Sorry, Hanna.

S'not your fault.

[And he can't blame her for it because if he's honest with himself, at least some of that is true, and its hard to change. Because she's fourteen, and fourteen is young in his books and she hasn't even learned what the world can be yet. Its hard to change that dynamic. really hard and he's not sure, When its all brought forward, if he can change that.]

You'll remember what I said, right? You'll come find me if you ever want to try to do it?

Yeah...just. I feel like I've failed you. Like, crash and burn.

Maybe. But I kind of failed you too by dragging you into this, right?

... Look, maybe it's dumb of me to feel like this, but I still want to spend the rest of my life with you. That hasn't changed at all! And I'm pretty sure I'd want to keep trying and trying as long as you did, too. Like, really trying, not just saying sorry every time and then going back to doing the same stuff.

I guess you have to figure out when that trying stops being worth it for you

[He makes a face at that, shaking his head.] Vriska, you're important to me. It'll never stop being worth it to try. Seriously.

I just...have to get my act together. And maybe it will be easier once you get a little older. Its just a hard roadblock for me. I know that. We both know that. Culture and all that.

Maybe it'll help to hear more about what my society was like. It's really unpleasant and I guess I figured you wouldn't really want to hear about it, but. Troll kids are a lot different from human kids.

If you want to jump the roadblock, really want to, I want to jump it with you. But if you don't really want to, I don't want to be the only one trying to make progress if you're just going to be fighting against it.

I know. I know that, its just. You look like a kid. And by age, you are one. And its just hard for me. [That and he was so young when he had to grow up and he didn't think it was fair either.]

I just...i'm against having to force a kid to grow up too early. And I guess that's my main issue here.

But it already happened, Hanna. You trusting me with the big stuff isn't going to change me in any way that fighting for my life since day one and killing thousands of other troll kids didn't already. It's like you think I'm in this bubble of innocence, but I'm not. You're a lot more innocent than I am, Hanna.

IC contact post/voice mail - ADSTRING

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